don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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