I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
