you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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