I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
