Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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