Do you still have your period?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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