I just pynch a tree in the face
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
