Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
what the fuck happened to the tacos
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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