I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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