Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
