So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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