After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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