I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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