I want to have your abortion
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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