There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
