You're so nebulous sometimes
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
