Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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