I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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