I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
