He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My vagina is very pro this idea
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
