We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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