Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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