I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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