Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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