The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
