I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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