i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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