I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
