i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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