I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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