Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just pee around me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
