god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
