Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
