Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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