I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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