I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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