My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
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I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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