Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
