Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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