Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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