i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wish there were birth control emojis
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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