No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
