Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
