Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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