there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We smell like vodka and hangover
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
