There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
