Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
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I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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