Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
