is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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