Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
