I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
