i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I met the friendliest cop last night
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
