Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
