my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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