I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
