Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
