I need to stop coming to work sober
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
