Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
