yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
