This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dignity is for republicans.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
