This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
